Detaching from the whims of others is freedom.
I’d have to say that the first forty years of my life were primarily focused on the actions of those people I walked among. And I wasn’t even conscious of it. It was simply who I was. It was how I had always lived. What ever you said defined how I believed too, in that moment. I saw no problem with this. Not having “a life of my own” wasn’t of much concern. I came to the realization of this in 1971 but seeing “Me” in print on that fateful page in John Powell’s book didn’t turn me around. Let me elaborate.
I was teaching a personal writing class at the University of Minnesota. I assigned Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am as a text. I chose it because I liked Powell’s voice in the book. He was gentle and very personal. He wrote like I wanted my students to write, and he shared a wonderful story that stopped me dead in my tracks. He had a great friend who was a journalist in New York and he walked with him many mornings when he, too, was in the city. His friend always bought a paper from a particular vender and that same vender was always gruff, rather rude, in fact; but John’s friend was always kind and always tipped the vender any way.
Finally, Powell had to ask why? Why was he nice to a man who was always rude to him. And his friend said: “Why should I let him decide what kind of day I am going to have?” At that moment I realized I had spent my whole life letting others determine how I felt, who I thought I was; what worth I had in that moment, even in that whole day. And I never even realized it until that moment when I first read Powell’s words. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to change how I responded very quickly. But the seed had been planted. Once a seed is planted, new growth is guaranteed. Eventually.
And it came for me. Not very quickly but my awareness of what I was allowing to happen was a first step. Now I look back on this and smile. Change comes. If we nurture it. And I wanted to change. Al-Anon offered me the tools to see what I was doing and then helped me to utilize those tools to make other choices. I have been making other choices ever since. The freedom is exhilarating. Are you free?
