. . . and it's not always a pretty picture, is it? I have said on many occasions, in many books and at many workshops, that the relationships we have attracted are perfect for the growth we are destined to have in this life. Perhaps that seems farfetched to you. It did to me when I first heard it, but I decided to believe it for lack of any other reasonable explanation for the myriad relationships I endured in the many avenues of my life. I can see now, (hindsight is so revealing) that every single relationship offered me slices of the education I have nee[...]
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relationships
8 Happy St. Patrick's Day. What an appropriate day for me to talk about hope and how it can be cultivated. I spent many St. Patty's Days in the bars drinking green beer or martinis with their green olives. That was a time in my life that I was very short on hope and didn't even realize that's what was missing. I was miserable, for sure, especially when sober, but couldn't put a name on the misery. However, I was convinced that if only others would change, I'd be just fine. That's what sent me off to my first 12 step meeting, in fact. Alas, that wasn't t[...]
At a gathering last night we were discussing how emotionally wounded most of us had been at some point on our journey. This led to the realization that most "sufferers" have experienced their woundedness within a very intimate relationship. For some the wound is unhealed. For others, seeing it from a new perspective offered hope. Many of the wise among us (Caroline Myss comes to mind) say all relationships are quite intentional in fact, which implies that the wounds might well be intentional too. This may seem like a far-fetched idea. It certainly was t[...]
I led a retreat this past week end at the Hazelden Renewal Center in MN. The topic was Cultivating Hope In All Our Affairs. Twenty-eight of us gathered and gently moved forward in our thinking, our personal explorations, our willingness to be intimately vulnerable and open to the vulnerabilities of others. It was miraculous, really. I have discovered that these kinds of week ends are always miraculous, in fact, because perceptions become changed. You can see it happening. You can feel the shift occurring. And you can see the body language relaxing, a[...]
Detachment is letting the solutions be determined by God. Solutions are seldom simple. Perhaps that’s because they generally involve other people too. When any one of us is certain we have the best solution for any problem or situation confronting us, we have quite naturally chosen one that benefits us, or our loved ones. There’s nothing wrong with that stance. However, it may not be the best solution for all of the people who are being affected by the situation. That’s when back- ing off, and letting God be a participant in every decision and the[...]
Detachment is stepping back from an experience in order to allow room for God to do his part. I seldom remember, without some prodding that I initially resist, that God is a factor in every person’s experience. My ego’s first inclination is to think I am a necessary fac- tor. And not just an ordinary one but the deciding one. Giving up control and letting God be the key influence in the lives of my loved ones is not easy. It takes trust. Not only trust in God but trust in others and in my own willingness to approach my experi- ences with all of them[...]
Interdependence is the hallmark of a healthy relationship. Getting enmeshed in someone else’s life generally happens when we are feeling in- secure, and uncertain of ourselves. We cling to the “object of our affection,” and then mistakenly think that if we are constantly “in sync,” if we are in agreement on every topic of discussion, opinion, value and goal; we are meant for each other. The converse is the truth, of course. This kind of dependence is never love. This kind of dependence is never a sign of healthy alliance. In fact, this kind of[...]
