Defining our boundaries, AND THEN LIVING ACCORDINGLY, cultivates peace of mind.

In a response I received from an earlier post, a request was made for my thoughts on boundaries.  This topic has been rolling around in my mind ever since.  I’ve found myself questioning what it is that I really believe.  What does my own behavior reflect?

It’s a word that I use often, particularly when talking to sponsees or other friends.  You hear the word in 12 step meetings quite often.  Establishing good boundaries, i.e.., lines not to be crossed, when it comes to certain people, subjects or activities, makes for an honest interchange of ideas and more peaceful relationships.  Feelings are spared when each person understands the “rules of the game.”  And personal boundaries clearly are “personal rules.”

I think it’s easiest to think of boundaries within the context of codependency.  Perhaps a simple definition of codependency will serve as clarification.  Not everyone defines it the same.  The definition that fits for me is this: allowing the behavior of any one else define how I feel or think or act is codependency.  Unfortunately, I can’t claim complete freedom from codependency even now, even after years of writing about it, lecturing about it, practicing the tools of freedom from it.  Codependency is as insidious as any other addiction.  And I mean it when I call it an addiction.  We make a habit of it, a bad habit.  A very bad habit.  And it damages relationships.  Every day.

Understanding what is one’s business and what is not one’s business is clear evidence that boundaries are being honored.  A good friend of mine in Al-Anon says, and I quote: THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF BUSINESS.  MY BUSINESS AND NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  I laughed the first time I heard him say it.  And I’ve laughed every other time too.  It so clearly defines boundaries.  It so clearly points in the direction of codependency.  It makes the question one must ask before interfering obvious.  Staying on your own side of the street honors the boundaries of your loved ones.  The colleagues and strangers in your life too.

I am able to respect the boundaries of nearly everyone in my life.  However, when it comes to the “teacher” who is most dear to me, my husband, I fail on a regular basis.  At least once a day I have to fight off making an unnecessary, UNWANTED,  very codependent comment.  And far too often, I lose the battle.  My remorse is sincere and then the following day, I react once again where and when it is clearly none of my business.  I am so thankful that he and I both believe that our coming together was divinely intended.  Otherwise, we might not have weathered the storms of our relationship.

We are here, you and I, to learn lessons.  And these lessons will be offered us again and again, until we need them no more.   I do believe that I am always where I need to be.  And I do believe that my experiences are intentional.  I do believe, however, that the timeline of the mastery of my “lessons,” is for me to determine.  And I am a bit slow on the uptake.  I’m glad we are on the cusp of a new year.  I already know my first resolution.

PS: Happy holidays.  Offer an unexpected kindness to a stranger before this day ends.