Growth requires that we remain teachable.

I have never fallen away from my 12 step meetings.  In fact, I go to more meetings a week now than I did when I first came into the program.  Because I attend both AA and Al-Anon, I usually get to five meetings a week.  Some might think that at 38 years sober, five meetings is overkill.  On the contrary, I think that the more we get to, the greater will be our joy and peace of mind.  It’s joy and peace that call to me, every day.  I know how to find it.  I know how to help others find it too.

I am willing to do whatever I need to do to continue growing.  This included seeing a counselor a few times over the summer.  I hadn’t sought the help of a counselor for decades.  In fact, that last time was shortly after coming into AA.  At that time my struggle was with abandonment issues.  The counselor nailed it on my very first visit.  Nearly the first words out of her mouth were, “You were abandoned in the womb.”  I was stunned.  It felt right.  And yet could it be right, I wondered.

After a very tender discussion with my mom I was comforted to know that she had emotionally abandoned me, not because of ill feelings for me but ill feelings for her own situation.  That conversation created a bond between us that was to grow over all the remaining years of her life.  I was so grateful, first for the words of the counselor, then for the honesty and courage of my mother.  She could have lied but her truth set us both free.

I have had many opportunities to grow over the years but I have to admit that I have, on occasion, been inclined to resist change.  I have said, in many places, many times in fact, that we are never faced with a growth “opportunity” unless we are ready for it.  One presented itself to me and that’s what led to my recent few trips to a counselor.  Like so many others, I was all about resisting the “potential” change.  It wasn’t even a change that was a certainty to happen but my wall went up, regardless.

What it was about isn’t as important as just admitting that I don’t necessarily practice what I preach.  When I tell others, in books and in workshops, that change is good and part of our NECESSARY JOURNEY, I better believe it too.  I got a taste of just how hard it is to embrace the idea when I am afraid.

The good news about this situation is that seeing a counselor affirmed what I knew to be true.  It also felt good knowing that I wasn’t way off course.  Being human isn’t a bad thing.  Being afraid of what might transpire is an ego slip.  Nothing more.  And the solution is with God. Wherever I go I am needed.  Whomever I’m with is part of my particular destiny.  No change is unplanned for.  Ever.

Once again I am able to rest in this truth.  Knowing all is well.

 

 

3 Comments

  1. Your writing brings me peace 😉 my program, god and maintenance through the twelve steps has to come before everything else 🙂 there was a time in my life I would have put my relationships and work above the program and god….I now know I have to love me and take care of myself before I take care of anyone else. Recovery is a ongoing process for me . I love your writing Karen 😉

  2. I agree with you about going to as many meetings as I can get to. The person with the longest recovery is the one who got up earliest in the morning. I also find that when I have a slip, I’m harder on myself than I would be on other people. I scold, “You should have known this already.” But my friend Amy always says, “Sometimes we need a deeper healing.” Thanks for your honesty, as always. Diana

    • Thanks for your kind comment. What a wonderful circle of friends I have made while on this journey. Any person who responds to one of my posts, joins that circle.

      Blessings always.

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