Relationships: As Peaceful As We Make Them
Peaceful relationships are not accidental
By Karen Casey, Ph.D.
Taking responsibility for the tenor and content of our relationships is our greatest opportunity for making a difference in our individual lives and in the world we share with others. And, neither being responsible nor seizing the opportunity for making a difference requires us to make complicated changes in our behavior.
On the contrary, a variation on what’s already a typical behavior has the power to change us in positive ways, as well as the people who are sharing our lives. I have seldom met a person who was discontent who didn’t mistakenly think that more toys or clothes or a different relationship or job was the solution for the dissatisfaction. However, “outer circumstances” can’t change inner feelings, except momentarily perhaps. To sustain contentment requires paying close attention to who we are, not what we have. And, who we are closely mirrors how we act.
Being able to change who we are is a decision we can make within the context of every experience. The person we were in any encounter yesterday doesn’t have to be who we are today. And when we choose to express a more loving self, even once a day, everyone benefits. The effects of every action, good or bad, are exponential. While we can’t ever control the actions of others, we are always in control of our own actions.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE AS PEACEFUL AS WE MAKE THEM
PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT ACCIDENTAL
In FEARLESS RELATIONSHIPS: SIMPLE RULES FOR LIFELONG CONTENTMENT, I share in one short chapter after another that contented relationships are a byproduct of the choices we make regarding our behavior throughout the day. Common sense under girds each of the thirty-three “rules.” Not one of them is unfamiliar. And any one of them may be applicable in significant relationships or those which are merely fleeting. Simply speaking, using one of the suggestions even sparingly, will positively affect every person who crosses our path.
SHIFTING ONE’S PERSPECTIVE
One “simple rule” we can apply when we are in any situation that is stealing our peace of mind is choose to see the circumstance from another perspective. Shifting our perspective isn’t always easy because the ego prefers holding us hostage by controlling our thoughts and our behavior. Fortunately, our Higher Power is only a prayer away and he/she will help us see any experience differently. It’s the shift in perspective that relieves us from painful and unnecessary conflict.
Shifting our perspective doesn’t mean we have to agree with “the other person,” whom ever they are. On the contrary, it only means that we are willing to “surrender” our position rather than continuing to insist we are right. The freedom and exhilaration that comes from being willing to surrender our view point will reverberate through all our relationships.
Conflict with others weighs heavily on us and it absolutely, though generally quite subtly, affects every experience we are having. Relinquishing a conflict, even once, makes the next opportunity to relinquish one, much easier. Letting go of
The need to be right promises peaceful moments to every person in one’s life.
EVERY ARGUMENT IS MASKING FEAR.
Another avenue for creating more peace in our lives is to become aware that every argument is triggered by fear, and then to understand that the most effective response to fear is an expression of love. I wish I had known this when I was growing up. My dad and I continually argued. I knew that I lived in a constant state of anxiety, but I didn’t know that he shared my capacity for fear. Had I realized that fear was the root cause of the behavior we each wallowed in, I might have been able to feel some compassion for both of us, rather than the fearful self-righteousness that defined me.
Fear is also some times the result of our unwillingness to see how similar we really are. Feeling “different” and separate is a set up for feeling inadequate. Feelings of inadequacy can quickly propel us to judgment, irritability and isolation. Arguments are generally close behind when we find ourselves reveling in any of these states.
Even in the midst of intensely judgmental feelings, however, we can make the decision to change our mind which in turn can prevent an argument. Remember that any argument is a call for love by the one who instigated the argument. Offering love in the face of anger and fear helps heal the hearts of every one.
We don’t have to attend every battle we are invited to. We can seek peace instead of this can become our mantra. How freeing and how refreshing to know that we can change our minds! Cultivating the willingness to love one another as we are unconditionally loved by our Higher Power is the greatest contribution we can make to human kind, and it’s a decision that any one of us can make at any moment.
BECOMING OUR BETTER SELVES THROUGH OUR RELATIONSHIPS
Those people in our lives, either intimately, only occasionally, or seemingly by chance, can be considered our learning partners. They are not on our path accidentally. From them we learn the lessons we need to master and we serve as their teachers too. This makes every experience with another person an adventure if we choose to see it that way.
Accepting the people in our lives as our intentional learning partners can take the sting out of the difficult relationships. We can even cultivate gratitude for the brief, uncomfortable encounters with strangers. Every moment with another person is an opportunity to heighten our positive qualities, to experience God, and to express the love we all seek. Realizing our potential requires that we eventually walk through the doors that are opening to us.
However, we do not have to accept any lesson the first time it beckons. We can stall, ignore it, actually refuse to acknowledge what is apparently “calling” to us for as long as we want. But the lesson will not simply disappear. It will wait for us. It will resurface in another relationship and we will again have the opportunity to absorb that which we are here to learn.
Personally, I have come to cherish this awareness. It helps me accept the myriad experiences in my past that were both painful and confusing. It also lessens my anxiety about what is yet to come. The learning curve for each of us is extremely exciting, I think, and I am trying to remember, one moment at a time, to be “present” to any one who engages me in conversation. She has come to share an important message. I can be certain of this.
DOING NO HARM IS DOING QUITE ENOUGH
Deciding to do no harm in any interaction may well be the best decision we make today, or any day, for that matter. Doing no harm can be as simple as walking away rather than saying something unkind. It may be doing nothing at all. That is always a choice that’s available to us. We aren’t even required to listen if doing so makes it too hard to be kind. However, we must never forget that our actions and words are either harmless or they are not.
I heard a wonderful story about the Dalai Lama some years ago and it quite eloquently speaks to this principle of doing no harm. He was the dinner speaker for a fund raising event in California. Following his introduction, he walked to the podium and gently said to the audience, “Your purpose in life is to love one another.” Then he stepped away from the podium. The audience was audibly surprised, having expected the more typical, 45 minute after dinner speech. After a few moments he returned to the podium, much to every one’s relief. He said, “And if you can’t love one another, at least don’t hurt one another.”
His simple message speaks volumes I think. If we want peaceful relationships, we must use the tools we have to create them. If we want to foster more peace in this world, these same tools apply. Seeing every experience with any individual as our next, right opportunity for contributing to a kinder, gentler existence for every one is a decision we can make from this moment on. It’s a wonderfully exciting challenge that will benefit us beyond our wildest dreams. Wouldn’t you agree?
0 Comments | October 18, 2005
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