Healing Our Relationships One Moment at a Time
No doubt you have had difficult relationships in your life or you would not have begun reading this article. Conflicts in relationships are the norm. Even those families and individuals who have not been ravaged by the ill effects of alcohol or other substances, have experienced the pain of a relationship which is in need of healing. I think there is a solution to the troubled relationship. Here a few simple steps that I believe can change your outlook on life, thus improve every one of your relationships.
And let me add, even those seemingly insignificant, fleeting encounters with others at the grocery or in the post office or while being placed on hold on the telephone, have a role to play in the healing process of all our relationships.
One step that gives me comfort is believing that every experience or encounter in my life is an opportunity to embrace a more peaceful path. This belief has taken the sting out of those relationships, whether long term or momentary that, for what ever reason, irritated me. No relationship or experience is accidental.
This idea used to frighten me, particularly when I recalled instances from my childhood and former marriage. And then I came to believe that my pain was either because I was too afraid to see the blessing that was just beneath the
surface, the fear of the other party or because I was unable to control the outcome or person who I perceived was causing my pain.
Since coming to define every person on my path as intentional and one of my ‘learning partners,’ my life has changed quite dramatically. I have the
wisdom from meeting people in 12-Step programs and A COURSE IN MIRACLES
to thank for this new understanding.
It has allowed me to perceive quite differently each person who lays claim to
my attention. Not only is the person standing before me my learning partner, I am likewise, his/hers and the ‘lesson’ will surface again if I fail to embrace it the
first time it has beckoned. I find great relief in this. I don’t have to do it right
the first time. Nor do I have to love the learning partner. I will be given as many
chances and partners as I need.
However, I am postponing my peace every time I resist the lesson.
Seeing our relationships as learning partnerships can lessen the fear when
conflict arises, which will happen, of course. Then recognizing that every single
conflict is about fear, makes it easier to let it pass. Because the partnerships
have been ‘divinely’ selected for our emotional and spiritual growth, we don’t
have to be diminished by whatever outcome results from the conflict.We will
know and in time be able to celebrate that the experience was meant to benefit
us.
Life is full of adventure. Most of us did not expect to be doing whatever it is we are doing today when we were youngsters. I feel confident in saying that not one of us in recovery said as youngsters that we hoped to become addicts or alcoholics when we grew up. And yet I hear many times at every meeting I attend expressions of gratitude for our life now as well as for the path that brought us here.
Gratitude can sustain us when we are troubled in a relationship. It can help us filter out that which our ego has created and it will nurture our willingness to listen to our Higher Power, the quieter, inner voice, who will sort out for us that which we need to heed and that which we need to let go of.
One thing we can always be certain of, if the voice isn’t coaching us to be kind, it’s not our Higher Power that we are listening to. Being kind in every situation is the right choice, the only choice if we are ever to be at peace. Similar to kindness, but not quite as overt, is the decision to do no harm, ever, in any situation.
Consistently doing no harm will transform one’s life. The power of this one simple decision will change every relationship you or I have. My experiences have shown me that whatever I do in one instance, subtly affects them all.
Being kind, or at least doing nothing unkind, changes one’s interior spaces which in turn changes the external experiences of every one present. Our actions or words are either harmless or they aren’t.
Healing our relationships, all of them or only one of them to begin with, can begin just as quickly as we decide to give up the need to "be right" in any discussion or argument.We don’t have to go to every fight we are invited to, nor
do we have to share an opinion, even when asked for it. Choosing to be peaceful in every discussion, or even in only one, is the turning point where healing can begin, our personal healing and the healing of those we are sharing that moment with.
This article was originally published in the March / April 2004 issue of New Times. To read its PDF format, you will need the free Adobe Acrobat reader. If you wish to print it, change the setting to 70% so it can fit on 8.5" x 11" paper, and then blow it up on the photocopy machine on bigger paper.
0 Comments | March 27, 2004
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