I have a friend who decided to take up ballroom dancing a few years ago. Her spouse wasn’t interested, but she decided to live out her dream anyway. Her shifting her focus to her own life actually improved their marriage. Another friend joined a fiction-writing group. She doubts she will ever publish one of her short stories, but she has gone on to take many classes and loves the connections she has made with the men and women who, like her, write for the love of it and then read to one another in weekly groups. It has given her life a structure that had been missing ever since she became an empty-nester. A third friend, a former flight attendant, decided to volunteer in the schools to work with children who were failing in reading. In the process, she discovered a new talent. She could motivate children to learn, so she organized an after-school reading program that has been a great success. I took a watercolor class two years ago and now have three of my paintings hanging in my kitchen.

What we envision can take many forms. There isn’t a right one or a wrong one. It can be a solitary pursuit or one that includes others. But if you know in your heart you need to move your focus off of someone else’s life, having no vision is the glue that holds you in a waiting pattern. We can’t become what we can’t clearly see in our mind’s eye. Don’t be embarrassed by your dreams. They are God given, I believe. I think God can read our hearts even when we don’t voice our thoughts. He is ushering to our minds what we have yet to say out loud.

Close your eyes if it helps, go to that favorite place in your mind, and see yourself at play, or maybe in a play, or working in a new job, or sitting in a classroom. Don’t let my suggestions limit you in any way. Let your desires drive your dream.  Begin Your Plan for Change Now.

The topics covered in Getting Unstuck run the gamut from “minding my own business,” to celebrating you and your journey while doing no harm; in fact, while listening intently to God as I understand Him, in the process.  We intentionally travel, side by side, as teachers, as way-showers, but not as determiners of one another’s choices.  And that’s often pretty difficult to accept.  My choices for you seem so sensible, after all.

Learning to let go: detaching from all that is assigned to your hula hoop, in other words;  then choosing our own reactions thoughtfully, a choice which can be helped by quieting the mind so we can hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, or the God of our Understanding; are the substantive items on the agenda each one of us has been given for this life we were born to experience.

When I remember that the events in my life are not happening willy-nilly, but are unfolding just as they were orchestrated to unfold, I feel such relief.  And this goes for all of the events, even those that were extremely painful.  I am not in charge.  I am not in charge of you or of my own path either.

What a blessing knowing this is.  And yet, how often, in the blink of an eye, I forget and try to manage your affairs, make your choices, control your outcomes.  If you allowed me to do that, and sometimes we do let others take charge, the result is generally eventual resentment.  Maybe not immediately but it will surface in time.  Mark my words.  I have been there too many times.

What I share with you here and in all of the books I have written, and all the workshops I have led or will ever lead, has been based on my own experience.  Always.  I think sharing who we are, and who we are struggling to become, in full view of others, is the greatest of all gifts.  It’s my hope every day of my life that I am making a difference, some where, some time.  And listening to God, intently, will guarantee I am not too far off of the mark.  Are you listening to God?   He’s standing right beside you.  Now.  And always.

Besides being a nurse, she was an accomplished artist.  Many of her paintings were on display at her service.  Her off-spring let me choose one of them to hang in my own home as a remembrance of her.  I chose a pastel water color.  Unlike the few paintings I have done, hers are exceptional.  She seriously studied painting and passed this gift on to one of her children who has worked in New York for many years now as a scene painter for any number of popular television shows.  Beverly was so proud of Karen and the work she did.

She was also proud of her daughter, Linda, who too received the gift of the arts but she used the gift as a carpenter in residential homes for her many clients.  Her son, Gary, though not an artist, is the proud father of two girls who appear to have been handed the “gift” also.

Beverly was a brave woman.  She faced every adversity, and there were many, with indomitable faith, humility, grace and even a sense of humor.  Being a long time member of a 12 step program gave her a strength and a willingness to believe that every thing that happens in God’s world can be survived.  Indeed, one can grow spiritually with every adversity.  She was unmistakably an example of this.

Beverly and I became friends immediately after her move to Naples approximately 16 years ago.  She was one of those women I wanted to know when I first saw her walk through the door of a meeting I regularly attended.  I no longer remember who struck up our first conversation, but from that moment on, friends we were.  Even though I headed for MN for 6 months every year, my absence never negatively affected our friendship.  We picked up just where we left off, year after year.

Counting her departure, I have had to say goodbye to five very good friends this year, three of them close women friends.  It saddens me but since I am a believer in angels, and I don’t say this lightly, I know she is close at hand and I can call on her for help, just as I call on Joy and Cate and my mother too.  Those we love are never gone; we simply have to reach out to them in prayer and meditation.  I do so daily.  The “conversation” helps roll away the boulders on my path.

How blessed I feel.

One of the key elements here is to remember that what we “do to one,” we do to all.  It only takes the decision to be quiet or peaceful or gentle with one person to pave the way for repeat performances on demand.  What a different world we might live in if we practiced being gentle for one day only.  Offering the hand of peace, as is suggested in some churches, to everyone we encounter, would make every experience one to savor.

I didn’t grow up in a “gentle” household.  My dad was too often angry and my mother, generally too brow-beaten to stand up for herself.  Walking away from an unwanted and unnecessary argument, and most of them are, rather than engaging, which always adds to the tension level in a home; is a choice we can always make.  Unfortunately, we can choose to be silent, and remain angry.   And that’s not our goal.  That choice doesn’t add to the “storehouse of peace” which we can all add to by selecting more carefully our responses to any one and every situation.

It may seem too simple to “fill the storehouse,” but I sincerely believe that the more we engage with others from a peaceful place, the more we add to that storehouse.  As it fills up, we can request a bit of help when the words we need to foster peace in a situation are failing to come to us.  We can draw on the storehouse just like we withdraw funds from the bank.  Sound strange?  Indeed not.  It’s the Holy navigation system that has protected many individuals for hundreds of years.

How exciting this adventure called life is when we are willing to live it a bit more humanely, a bit more humbly, a bit more slowly.  There is no hurry to get where we are going.  But we can reach the final destination with a lighter heart if we so choose.  Are you willing to choose again?

First of all, if I am verbally attacked by some one, I immediately remember that he or she is afraid in that moment, and quite likely afraid about some thing that has no connection to me at all.  We are all guilty of striking out at the unsuspecting fellow traveler simply because he or she is “there,” and we are suddenly disturbed about some thing.  My own experience of being on either end of the attack, either the receiver or the perpetrator, has convinced me that it’s seldom related to any thing that is happening in that moment.  The past is usually the impetus for an attack, a past that is far from relevant now.  In fact, many would say, and count me as one of the many, that the past has no relevance for any thing once its moment is gone.  To live here and now, fully, would actually free us of ever wanting to be an “attacker” of any kind.

It truly amazes me how my own life has “softened” since coming to believe this idea.  It’s not a new idea,  for sure.  Wise men and women have shared it for eons but we resist it because fighting the attacker feels so good, unfortunately.  We have an entire sporting industry that relies on us wanting to cheer one side or the other on, to prove  how adept at attacking they are.  And some watch reality shows solely because potential winners and losers are pitted against each other.  Seeing one fall gives the onlooker an unholy sense of satisfaction.

There are many forms of “attack.”  Not all of them with the intention of destruction.  And yet, when the ego is in charge of an attack, even though only a verbal one, it’s hope is to bring the other person to his or her knees.  From my perspective, wishing failure on any one wounds all of us.  Further, I’m convinced that we are alive to serve as healers to one another.

Maybe I am coming down too hard on sports “lovers” and reality shows addicts, but I do see an unholy alliance at work when people get in a frenzy over any drama that is playing out before them.  The return to love and all that it brings with it doesn’t say we can’t enjoy competition, but having a balanced view serves human kind.  And that’s our goal, isn’t it?

I have been busier than usual of late working on a new book.  The writing process feeds my soul.  This particular book, perhaps because it’s “so close to home,” is feeding it even more.  The subject is the dysfunctional family.  I think most of us were raised in one.  I read Self-Esteem by Virginia Satir, more than 4 decades ago and she said, then, that 98% of all families were dysfunctional.  I wasn’t so sure I agreed at the time.  Now I do.  I seldom meet any one who feels they were raised in a healthy, loving family.

For most of us it took getting into recovery to see how unhealthy our family of origin was.  The fortunate thing is that most of us learn pretty quickly that our parents did the best they could with what they knew.  We can only pass on to others that which has been passed on to us.  Setting a different pattern in our own families is one of the pluses from finding a recovery path that works for us.

My own family wasn’t an alcoholic one but it did suffer from dysfunction, nonetheless.  The tension was palpable because of the ever-present anger expressed or felt under the surface.  Every one walked gingerly around my father. He was a good man but a tense one, and often an angry one.  We never knew when the first “shoe would drop” and when it did, we knew the second one would follow soon too.

My mother tried to quietly smooth things over but eruptions were frequent any way.  The good news is that we all learned how to function regardless.  My path was certainly different from the path my siblings took but we all met with success in life.  I think making the best of one’s circumstances is the lesson we are all invited to understand in this life.

My path which was to include a journey through addiction taught me many things, all of which I am able to share with others.  My life’s work is sharing the lessons of the past coupled with the growth I have experienced.  I know this will always be my journey.  That’s what this current book represents too.  Any every other book that’s on my radar for the future will likewise be reflective of the lessons I know to be true and feel that God wants me to share with others.

Never do I doubt that I will know what to do next.  I am open to God’s call.  And He always makes it.  Are you listening to your God?

One of the bigger issues when talking about expectations though is that they keep us side-tracked from God.  If we are fretting over the outcome we think we must have, we have launched our expectations unreasonably high, thus denying the role God has in our experiences and every outcome for every one of the experiences.  It’s a simple equation, actually.  What we should experience, we will.  It’s our job to show up, embrace the experience, allow God to show us what the lesson is, and then incorporate it into the tapestry we are weaving under his direction.

Expectations, in and of themselves, can forecast our direction and that’s not necessarily bad.  It puts me in mind of the “vision boards” many of us created in our youth or even in early recovery, perhaps.  That’s when I made mine.  If we don’t have an idea of what we want, or where we want to go, we may not recognize it when it comes.  But God may have another idea.  And that’s where the inner turmoil arises.  Our “vision” may not be consistent with the lesson God wants us to experience.  We can fight His lesson, but ultimately it’s the one that will transform our lives and put us on the path to wholeness, the place where we need to be, the place we were born to inhabit.

It’s really rather exciting to think of our lives unfolding in this way.  Don’t you think?  There is a “drama” in play.  We may be in act two or three, by now, depending on our age.  Assuredly, many of the scenes in any one of the acts might have been difficult to experience.  What we can know for sure, however, is that  God was the “director” and the play is unfolding as it must.  It will continue to unfold as it must.  And that’s the reassuring message we have been prepared for.  Letting God direct while we play the “lead,on occasion and a minor role in the drama of others too.

Being in God’s “drama” rather than our own makes so much more sense.  It’s so much more peaceful too.  And we didn’t even have to try out for “the lead.”  It was ours to play all along.

However, I am rethinking this for a number of reasons.  One is that I have felt really exhausted after too many week ends on the road.  Secondly, I know my own “well” needs refueling with some solitude and time with Joe and my friends.  Additionally, and perhaps the main reason, is that I met with a spiritual intuitive very recently and she, knowing nothing about me or my work, intuited that I needed to be more selective regarding my commitments.  I am taking her suggestion seriously.

She also said I had a broader message to share than the one I have been sharing. That part of our conversation really got my attention.  This woman didn’t know my history or my work.  I am trying to embrace the meaning of this. Because I believe that whatever is said to us has been sent by God, I am open to where her words might take me.  And as though on cue, I have received two emails of late offering me opportunities to teach classes on relationships and spirituality on line.  I am willing to consider both.  However I am not willing to commit to any thing without thinking it through very carefully.

Not every invitation is necessarily the right one for me to pursue perhaps.  I must still be selective. Too much work is still too much.  And I must leave time for the book I am undertaking presently.  What a rich life I have.  I have so many activities to choose among every waking moment.  It’s the choice that’s crucial, however, and I must be wary of taking on too much of any good thing.

Investigation prior to commitment is the way to go.  I know.  That’s what I am doing.  I may be “on line” in the year 2013 and if I am, I’ll let you all know.  In the mean time, keep looking for me here, in the bookstores, on amazon or in your area putting on a workshop. Check out my events section on this website to see if I am headed your way any time soon.

For the present, I am getting more comfortable pausing before saying yes.  It feels quite good, actually.  Are you able to say no when you should?

I knew I’d feel better if I had some thing specific to work on but then didn’t really feel inclined to pursue the book I am currently beginning to write.  It’s obvious that I don’t rest easy when there is nothing pressing on my plate.  I’ve thought about this dilemma many times over the years.  I seem to be at my best, emotionally and spiritually, when I am busy.  Many times I have experienced ennui when I am “in between books.”  

And yet, through a friend, I recently met Iva, a spiritual intuitive, who said I needed to  learn how to say “no” to some opportunities.  She said she sensed I felt obligation too often.  I’m not sure if that’s the case.  I do know that I believe we are here in this life as students and teachers and when the opportunity comes “to teach,” I think it has been heaven-sent.

But am I too busy?  What might I be doing if I weren’t writing books or doing workshops?  This work feeds me, literally as well as figuratively, but I would do it all for free if I had to.  I love the encounters we have with those who share the space of each moment.  I’m convinced, and have been for many years, that every encounter has  been chosen by me and for me, at another time and place.  I’m not sure how the spirit world lines up but I do think we meet “the souls” we need to meet for some predetermined lessons.

Having a more balanced life might be what Iva was referring to.  Maybe a more focused and more frequent chat with God about this very matter is in order.  I know it’s not in me to give up what I do but I might consider slowing down if I felt like that would enhance the richness of my life.

How do you keep your life balanced?   I’d love to hear from you.

We do so much for one another’s humanity when we listen if the call comes to us.  And the call can come in many forms.  Being a witness to one another’s journey is the finest gift we can offer, bar none. Lest I be misunderstood, the pain need not be physical for us to serve as “healers” of sorts.  Being present to the presence of others is the healing balm.  We all need the balm, if not today we may need it tomorrow.  Give it away when possible and it will come back to you when needed.

Many of us grew up in an era when you didn’t let others know about your pain, particularly if it was mental or emotional.  But suffering in silence exaggerates the pain.  This is still a common response for much of the population; however, many who share my recovery journey have learned the value of allowing others to know, thus to share the pain that lives in the interior spaces of our lives.  And what we have learned is that the pain recedes just a bit every time we let some one else’s heart touch ours.

It’s really not so difficult to let others come into our private world but a decision first has to be made.  Do we truly want a lessening of the pain that’s hindering our lives?  Saying yes may change every thing about our experiences and we may not be fully prepared for this.  It’s wise to consider this carefully.  The pain may be physical or emotional.  It matters not. If we are in pain, it will dominate us if we let it.  But we do have the capacity to change how it affects us. That’s the incredible gift we are being given every day.  The choice is ours.

I know that talking with others about the  pain I have experienced over the decades of my life, pain that has been physical as well as emotional, has allowed me to see that when we name something, we reduce its grip on us.  Consider what you need to talk about, what you need to “name,” and ask a friend or even a stranger for a minute of her time.  Experience the freedom that I promise awaits you.